One simple word. Yet ‘love’ can be understood in so many ways, some of which reveal and
others may cloud what love can really mean.

Attachment
Attachment or dependency can often masquerade as love. It is an ongoing challenge for
us to keep standing on our own two feet without falling into unhealthy dependency on
another person. The test can be how we cope when that person is absent, either
temporarily or permanently. Forming attachments to significant others is normal for us
inevitably when we are young, and in adulthood. Such attachment can be healthy or
unhealthy, depending on whether it helps us grow physically/ psychologically/ spiritually,
or conversely leave our growth stunted.

A helpful reflection for any ‘loving’ relationship – is it enabling me to grow or expand in
love… or does it make me feel ‘less than’, or diminished?

Emotional bargaining
Love can also be confused with emotional bargaining, which is often rooted in emotional
neediness. For example, the spoken or unspoken phrase: ‘I’ll love you… if you love me’.
Love in its essence is unconditional, not conditional. Yet if we have unresolved inner pain,
trauma or vulnerabilities, we can find ourselves clinging to a partner, or to a conditioned
idea of how the relationship needs to be. Expectations on the other, or on the relationship,
become normal. When ‘love’ becomes conditional or bound in expectation, the wild spirit
of love flies free, leaving us with just its shadow.

Being honest with ourselves
There is no judgement in the above words. Love simply calls to us to be honest with
ourselves. If the shadow of attachment, dependency, or neediness is present, then the
practice is to willingly work on these patterns, hopefully with the support of a partner, a
good friend(s) or perhaps a counselor/ therapist. A key part of this work is to gradually
explore and process our wounds, vulnerabilities, shame, guilt and pain. This often takes
time, but the key thing is that we’re patiently moving towards wholeness – healing. This
naturally opens us to the wild spirit of love increasingly along the way.

Negative judgement
Another pattern that undermines the energy of love is persistently held negative
judgement or criticism. Whether directed towards others and/or ourselves, it causes an
energetic contraction of our heart space, which pushes the energy of love away. There
may be seemingly good reasons for holding such judgements, and it may feel comforting
in some way to sustain them, yet there is an energetic cost. Therefore, without condoning
what may have happened, the invitation is to minimise or release the negative charge of
judgements, which can otherwise make love feel distant. We feel freer as a result.

Love is free
Love is essentially free; it does not expect, demand, bargain, cling or reject. It is our natural
birthright. As Kahil Gibran says in his beautiful book, The Prophet:

‘Love possesses not, nor would it be possessed’

Love can also express in the form of kindness, acceptance, friendship and openness. The
world needs gestures of kindness and hands of friendship. These qualities nourish our
heart and our Being. It is easier to feel open and friendly when someone is likewise with
us. Yet can we offer a space of kindness and openness even with people who are more
neutral to us? Furthermore, even though it is more radical, can we even keep our hearts
open to people who are closed, negative or antagonistic to us? We directly benefit when
we nurture the energies of kindness, friendship and openness within us.

Appropriate boundaries
Yet of course appropriate boundaries are important. Being too open, naïve or overly
emotional is not helpful. Having clear boundaries and the wearing of a psychological mask
is often necessary when interacting with the modern world. A mask is not a problem when
we’re conscious that we’re wearing it and can take it off when we wish. It is vital for each
of us to find and express our authentic voice, to stay true to ourselves in a relationship,
and to honour our own needs. Willingly offering love and kindness to oneself is an integral
part of offering love and kindness to others.

Some accessible ways to cultivate love

• Appreciating aspects of Nature – a favourite tree, a flower, a river, the sun rising/
  setting, new growth and so on. Let love in through appreciation. We can even say,
  out loud or silently, ‘I love you’ for example to a tree, a river, or a flower… and feel
  inside what happens.
• A pet, which is often far simpler and open to giving and receiving affection, allowing
  us to open to the flow of love with less emotional baggage.
• A person(s) in our life such as a partner, or family member or good friend, with
  whom we can truly be ourselves.
• An inspirational ideal that motivates us and gives our life meaning.
• A felt sense of the Divine, or Universal Intelligence, with or without a religious
  paradigm. Provided it is grounded in discrimination, not idealism, such love can
  express as a willingness to let go, to surrender, and to trust in the inherent
  goodness of Life, despite all the vicissitudes that can arise.

All these can nurture the energy of love within us. The practice is then to explore widening
this energy, gradually expanding the possible ways in which we can feel and express love
in our lives.
Finally, I’ll leave you with the following quotation from one of my teachers:

‘The greatest fulfilment is to love and be loved’

Swami Anubhavananda