Author: krishnapremanandac4d76ed37c

One simple word. Yet ‘love’ can be understood in so many ways, some of which reveal and
others may cloud what love can really mean.

Attachment
Attachment or dependency can often masquerade as love. It is an ongoing challenge for
us to keep standing on our own two feet without falling into unhealthy dependency on
another person. The test can be how we cope when that person is absent, either
temporarily or permanently. Forming attachments to significant others is normal for us
inevitably when we are young, and in adulthood. Such attachment can be healthy or
unhealthy, depending on whether it helps us grow physically/ psychologically/ spiritually,
or conversely leave our growth stunted.

A helpful reflection for any ‘loving’ relationship – is it enabling me to grow or expand in
love… or does it make me feel ‘less than’, or diminished?

Emotional bargaining
Love can also be confused with emotional bargaining, which is often rooted in emotional
neediness. For example, the spoken or unspoken phrase: ‘I’ll love you… if you love me’.
Love in its essence is unconditional, not conditional. Yet if we have unresolved inner pain,
trauma or vulnerabilities, we can find ourselves clinging to a partner, or to a conditioned
idea of how the relationship needs to be. Expectations on the other, or on the relationship,
become normal. When ‘love’ becomes conditional or bound in expectation, the wild spirit
of love flies free, leaving us with just its shadow.

Being honest with ourselves
There is no judgement in the above words. Love simply calls to us to be honest with
ourselves. If the shadow of attachment, dependency, or neediness is present, then the
practice is to willingly work on these patterns, hopefully with the support of a partner, a
good friend(s) or perhaps a counselor/ therapist. A key part of this work is to gradually
explore and process our wounds, vulnerabilities, shame, guilt and pain. This often takes
time, but the key thing is that we’re patiently moving towards wholeness – healing. This
naturally opens us to the wild spirit of love increasingly along the way.

Negative judgement
Another pattern that undermines the energy of love is persistently held negative
judgement or criticism. Whether directed towards others and/or ourselves, it causes an
energetic contraction of our heart space, which pushes the energy of love away. There
may be seemingly good reasons for holding such judgements, and it may feel comforting
in some way to sustain them, yet there is an energetic cost. Therefore, without condoning
what may have happened, the invitation is to minimise or release the negative charge of
judgements, which can otherwise make love feel distant. We feel freer as a result.

Love is free
Love is essentially free; it does not expect, demand, bargain, cling or reject. It is our natural
birthright. As Kahil Gibran says in his beautiful book, The Prophet:

‘Love possesses not, nor would it be possessed’

Love can also express in the form of kindness, acceptance, friendship and openness. The
world needs gestures of kindness and hands of friendship. These qualities nourish our
heart and our Being. It is easier to feel open and friendly when someone is likewise with
us. Yet can we offer a space of kindness and openness even with people who are more
neutral to us? Furthermore, even though it is more radical, can we even keep our hearts
open to people who are closed, negative or antagonistic to us? We directly benefit when
we nurture the energies of kindness, friendship and openness within us.

Appropriate boundaries
Yet of course appropriate boundaries are important. Being too open, naïve or overly
emotional is not helpful. Having clear boundaries and the wearing of a psychological mask
is often necessary when interacting with the modern world. A mask is not a problem when
we’re conscious that we’re wearing it and can take it off when we wish. It is vital for each
of us to find and express our authentic voice, to stay true to ourselves in a relationship,
and to honour our own needs. Willingly offering love and kindness to oneself is an integral
part of offering love and kindness to others.

Some accessible ways to cultivate love

• Appreciating aspects of Nature – a favourite tree, a flower, a river, the sun rising/
  setting, new growth and so on. Let love in through appreciation. We can even say,
  out loud or silently, ‘I love you’ for example to a tree, a river, or a flower… and feel
  inside what happens.
• A pet, which is often far simpler and open to giving and receiving affection, allowing
  us to open to the flow of love with less emotional baggage.
• A person(s) in our life such as a partner, or family member or good friend, with
  whom we can truly be ourselves.
• An inspirational ideal that motivates us and gives our life meaning.
• A felt sense of the Divine, or Universal Intelligence, with or without a religious
  paradigm. Provided it is grounded in discrimination, not idealism, such love can
  express as a willingness to let go, to surrender, and to trust in the inherent
  goodness of Life, despite all the vicissitudes that can arise.

All these can nurture the energy of love within us. The practice is then to explore widening
this energy, gradually expanding the possible ways in which we can feel and express love
in our lives.
Finally, I’ll leave you with the following quotation from one of my teachers:

‘The greatest fulfilment is to love and be loved’

Swami Anubhavananda

Monica Douglas is a valued friend, co-facilitator of grief circles and yoga retreats, coach and inter-faith minister. She is an inspiration to our world – courageous, honest, radical and loving. She and I co-facilitate the monthly online – A Space where Grief and Love meet.

In September 2025 Monica and I shared an online conversation together, highlighting many of our shared interests and callings.

Click here to watch and listen to this conversation.

Grief is the other side of Love. Whatever we love, we will lose, at some point or another. One of the greatest fulfilments we can experience in life is to love and be loved. Yet love for anything manifest, inevitably brings loss and we are often poorly educated to know how to be with this loss. We often see grief as a weakness, and try to bury it, or endeavour to fix it, and somehow move on from it as soon as possible. Furthermore, we often feel that our grief is personal, which on one level it is, yet grief is also collective. We are all touched by grief; it is a common human experience for each one of us. Grief is not only for the loss of those we love, huge as this can be, but it can also include grief for our planet, for the suffering we see in our world, for our unresolved wounds, and the things we hoped for but remain unfulfilled.

Yet we also don’t realise the healing gifts of grief. It is a natural response to the love we’ve experienced, and the sharp edge of grief can further soften our heart and open us to a deeper experience of our shared humanity which incorporates both the light and the shadow, our strengths, and our vulnerabilities. Grief conveys a message for us:

You don’t move on after loss, but you must move with. You must shake hands with grief, welcome her in, for she lives with you now. Pull her a chair at the table and offer her comfort. She is not the monster you first thought her to be. She is love. And she will walk with you now, stay with you now, peacefully. If you let her. And on the days when your anger is high, remember why she came, remember who she represents. Remember. Grief came to you my friend because love came first.

Donna Ashworth, ‘You Don’t Move on’

Grief circles are very unusual in our society, as grief is so rarely welcome in our culture. Yet a grief circle is designed to enable us to face our grief, to fully welcome and learn from it, and thereby be open to its gifts. Such circles can range from 2 hours in duration to half a day, a full day or perhaps even a weekend. They encourage people to show up, say ‘yes’ to their grief, sadness, or loss, and find a depth of sharing with others that acknowledges and honours our shared humanity.

Courage is often needed to step through the door, especially if we don’t know anyone who is attending. It can feel easier to stay safe, to not ‘show up’ and carry on ‘as normal’. Fair enough on one level, but for how long? The more we bury our grief, the more we block our vitality and joy. At a certain point, something in us calls for release, for freedom. A grief circle then provides a refuge of shared support and belonging, a place where people can feel welcomed just as they are, unfiltered.  

I have been called to this work through initially my training as a death doula with Alexandra Derwen in North Wales. This led to facilitating grief sessions on the Facing Death Embracing Life 10-day retreat at Mandala Yoga Ashram, and subsequently training under the guidance of Francis Weller, a pioneer and inspiration in grief work. I used to co-facilitate grief circles in Brecon, with Heather Dickens, who is a living inspiration in how she has come to terms with her own grief, and now stands as a heartfelt beacon of support for others.

The grief circles that Heather and I shared highlighted the depth and quality of sharing when we can honestly open to our own grief, within the safe container of the circle, through simple practices and rituals.

To give you a context, after initial ground rules such as confidentiality, the content of a grief circle will include a warm welcome, the ambience of music, poetry, group sharing, writing practices, other such simple rituals, and most essentially a cup of tea and biscuits! The writing practice asks us to take a prompt, such as for example ‘I remember’ or ‘I will not pretend’, and then let the pen move across the paper without stopping for around 10 minutes, allowing a free expression of whatever arises within us from the initial prompt. It encourages us to let go of control and allow our feelings/ memories to arise as they will. Following this people will be invited to read out what they have written so that others in the circle can simply witness it, without any discussion, feedback or attempts to fix or help. This sharing of personal feelings and emotions, within the mutual support of the circle, is poignant, meaningful, and healing.

To give an example of what flowed from such a writing practice, which is slightly abridged and offered to this article by one of the recent participants:

I will not pretend I am ok with something I am not. I will not pretend that I’m sad when I’m angry. I will not pretend I am happy when I’m not. I have pretended for far too long, no longer. I will not pretend that I want what you want just to please you. I am entitled to be me, to express my needs, to be fully me. I will not pretend I am not good enough as I am. I am opening my heart to love and grief, to pain and anger, and to fear. I will not pretend that I am afraid. When I want to run away, where do I run to? I don’t even know what I am running from. I feel grateful, held and honoured.

This is one person’s expression, and for many people, it can feel liberating to be able to express their deeper feelings, vulnerabilities, and aspirations without the need to filter, or defend or be concerned about what others may think. The more we can allow our grief to move and express, the more it opens space for gratitude, appreciation, and even love.

Inspired by the grief circles I shared with Heather, I hope to be able to offer such circles where I am currently living, as a service to all those who would appreciate the opportunity to attend and share a grief circle.

Finally, may you remember:

People come to grief circles not to have their wounds fixed, but to have their wounds blessed.

attributed to James Hillman

Periodically, it serves all of us to ‘step back’ a little from the preoccupations of daily life, and listen into the subtle whisperings of our heart. What is it that really calls to us? What is it that we have a genuine passion to do? What is it that makes us feel truly alive?

Over 30 years ago, I heard such a clear, unequivocal calling to dedicate myself to living yoga, meditation, and spiritual life, based at Mandala Yoga Ashram. Saying ‘yes’ to this calling heralded a deeply transformative period in my life, gifting me with a new and invaluable direction, one that has become the living and breathing foundation of my life ever since.  

Arising from this core foundation, over the last several years, has come an additional calling to embrace the fields of death, dying, loss and grief. This may sound paradoxical. After all, don’t we search for joy, aliveness, and happiness? I certainly did for many years to varying degrees of ‘success’. Yet in more recent times, there has been the dawning realisation that joy, aliveness, and meaning arise not through bypassing, but through honouring, the experiences of grief, death, and the shadow[1].

Enlightenment arises not from searching for Light, but from making the darkness conscious

Jung

I have known of the above quote for many years, appreciating it’s wisdom. Yet it was only when I started training as a death doula, and joined a residential retreat with Alexandra Derwen in Snowdonia, that the above quote came into sharp relief for me. As part of the training, we engaged in simple rituals to open to our shadow sides. We were encouraged again and again to be honest with our feelings, including the difficult ones of grief and loss. Rather than seeing grief as a problem, something to be avoided, we were asked to honour it as the other side of love. Grief and love come together. Opening to love also opens us to grief, at least in time. Likewise opening to grief, however challenging, offers us the gift of healing of the heart and thereby opening to love anew.   

The training with Alexandra also heightened my awareness of death as a teacher, or as a guide. I had many previous experiences of working with death. These included my own near-death experience when young, being taken through death into what lies beyond via the profound practice of yoga nidra, and many helpful teachings arising from the regular 10-day retreat on Facing Death, Embracing Life at Mandala Yoga Ashram. Yet the death doula training took this to a new level – a recognition that death was one with life and furthermore, death could become a teacher for how to live wisely.

Thanks to these trainings and experiences, I feel that I can now offer a more open-hearted welcome to whatever feelings, griefs and emotions need to arise within and pass through me. If tears need to come, let them come. If grief needs to express, let it do so. This also allows whatever joy wishes to arise to do so freely. I feel more human. Less and less needs to be left out of my experience. Gradually, a greater courage and confidence has arisen to be able to face whatever needs to come. As my teacher put it, true strength arises from facing one’s vulnerability.

It is the depth of my own experience that now calls to me to be of service to others who also feel their own need to say ‘yes’ to grief, death, dying and loss. Normalising grief, and death, and finding ways to express it healthily, feels like a core need of our time, and one that I feel will only grow stronger over the ensuing time. I feel my calling come alive when I can offer the depth of my experience, and open-hearted presence, to those facing the reality of death, dying, grief and loss.

There are currently four ways this is manifesting:

Independent Funeral Celebrancy – I was given the opportunity to train as an Independent Funeral Celebrant under the experienced guidance of Dinah Liverside. It would be a privilege to facilitate a funeral service, or celebration of life, for anyone who is drawn to what I offer.

Grief Circles – I used to co-facilitate grief circles in the Brecon area, offering the space for people to gather to honour the grief they are carrying, and to find mutual support and upliftment. Following my recent move further into West Wales, I hope to be able to offer these grief circles again for local people.

Death Cafes – In addition I have also co-facilitated periodic death cafes, giving people the chance to come together over a cup of tea and openly talk their own experiences, thoughts and fears about death and dying.

Both the above two events hope to help bring both grief and death back into the mainstream of daily life, rather than being relegated to the shadowy margins as they have been over several generations.

Death Doula work – finally, following my completion of my training, I am also available as a death doula, supporting individuals and/ or families who are experiencing the dying process. Being there for the person, offering practical and more subtle levels of support, to help skilfully navigate this once in a lifetime experience of dying.

Contact me for more details of any of the above. May you also find the time to listen into what truly calls to you in this transient life and find the courage to simply say ‘yes’.

[1] The shadow encompasses all our experiences that we were unable to resolve at the time, especially childhood, and therefore pushed down into the subconscious mind – out of the light into the shadow.

Offering a gradually growing appeal as an alternative to cremation and church burial.

Recently I visited a natural burial ground for the first time and was quietly impressed with what I found. My eyes were happily opened to an alternative method of burial or committal of the body. The conventional ways of committing a body are firstly cremation and secondly, and more traditionally, burial within the grounds of a church or chapel. Natural burial offers us a third option, one which is gradually growing in popularity.

What characterises a natural burial ground?

Generally, the natural burial site will be in open, countryside spaces, away from urban areas. For example, the one I visited was Bargoed Natural Burials at Saron, Llandysul, adjacent to the Carmarthen/ Newcastle Emlyn Road. Set up recently, in 2020, the site is surrounded by fields and open countryside. The natural burial site itself is part of a nature reserve (Allt-y-Garreg) comprising of four large fields, two of which are the burial areas. The other two fields can be used in time. Over 18,000 native young trees, and countless flowers, have been planted to date, which are transforming the feel of the space. You can feel the quiet ambience of nature when you walk around the site, following the paths through the trees. Over forty people have been buried there to date and there are several pre-paid plots within the site for whenever the person’s time will come.

Death is the end of the life of the body, which has served as our physical vehicle through all of life’s experiences. At death, the purpose of the body is complete, and it needs to be released appropriately. Via natural burial, the body is offered back to the Earth. As our body has been nourished by the Earth throughout life, so now, the Earth can be nourished through our dead body. A natural burial site does not permit any embalming fluids in the bodies it receives, nor any plastics. The body is buried in a soft wooden coffin, or even a shroud, both of which will naturally biodegrade, with the body, into the earth.

To be buried in a church or chapel burial ground by contrast, presupposes that the deceased followed the teachings of the church or chapel in life. A natural burial ground offers the same rite of burial to everyone, regardless of their faith, belief, or lack of it. Furthermore, natural burial grounds have far more capacity than, often overcrowded, church burial grounds, based on natural and sustainable principles.

At Bargoed, the burial site is marked by a simple stone inscription of the name of the deceased, and trees, bushes and flowers can be planted in their honour. Some graves have prayer flags, a photo or two and other nature-based memorials. Each grave site is protected by a 99-year lease.

Practically, the cost of a natural burial is around £1,200. In addition, there will be the costs incurred by a funeral director and a celebrant (presuming they are used) and the choice of coffin or shroud. Currently there are around 270 natural burial sites around the U.K. The standards in different ones can vary, so it is advisable to visit a few local sites local to ascertain whether a particular site appeals to you.

Bargoed Natural Burial Ground is open for people to visit seven days a week, other than when a service/ burial is taking place. We can walk around the site, upon the Earth, amidst the trees and appreciate the flower meadows. When our inevitable time comes, our body can also be offered back into the Earth, to naturally biodegrade and become one with the Earth, the trees and the flowers. The circle will be complete.

‘Where there is sorrow, there is holy ground’

Oscar Wilde

We often avoid the uncomfortable, challenging, and painful feelings of grief, including sadness or loss. It can be so much easier to look the other direction and deny grief, addicted as we often are to pleasure, comfort, and convenience. Yet grief denied does not go away. Any repressed emotion becomes like a stagnant pool within, a pervasive often subconscious force which undermines our energies and well-being, and our capacity to feel the fullness of joy and appreciation for life.

A saner approach is to open to grief whenever we experience a significant loss in our lives, such as the loss of a loved one, or pet, or another significant event. Grief can be seen as the other face of love. Opening to the unique journey of grief is a way of honouring the love we experienced, and essential in moving on from the loss, and not getting forever stuck or defined by it. This is easy to say; the grief journey is hardly easy, but nevertheless its changing landscape needs to be accepted in order to move on fully with our lives.  Useful models of such grief exist, such as the three stages of grief; firstly, denial or numbness, when we struggle to comprehend our loss, to secondly anger, when energy arises again and we fight against the loss, to thirdly a growing acceptance, which is the beginning of healing and a renewed opening to life.

Wiser still is the recognition that grief is a natural and essential part of the tapestry of everyday life. Grief comes in many forms: for example, grief for what we have lost, or will lose; grief for our Earth and all the pain we have caused it in the name of human progress; and grief for the unloved or unacknowledged places within us. In our transient world, everything we love, we will lose. In opening to love or appreciation of life, we also open ourselves to grief or loss. Accepting and honouring both is a full expression of the human heart. Conversely, denying grief is a denial of the full flowering of joy or appreciation.

A freedom arises when we gain the confidence to welcome emotions such as grief to our table, honouring their unique voice, without necessarily becoming completely identified with their transient expressions. Developing the trust in ourselves to be able to ride the waves of grief is key to the arising of emotional maturity.

Yet, it is not always possible to open to grief immediately it arises. Depending on the situation, we may need to ‘park’ it until we are in a safe space to open to it. Furthermore, grief can exhaust us initially, before our energy then returns and we often feel lighter as if we have released a burden.

It is also true that certain kinds of grief can be vast. For example, grief arising directly from trauma, or history of trauma; cumulative grief such as that arising from several losses; or complicated grief arising from say a suicide of someone close to us, or the death of a child. This more complex grief needs to be opened to gradually, step by step, with appropriate support, ongoing patience and in its own time.

All expressions of grief are valid and worthy of our attention. While there is no need to search out grief, when it naturally arises may it be welcome at our table, and let its changing landscapes become a teacher for us. Grief opens our heart and deepens our empathetic resonance with others, and our appreciation, gratitude, and joy for life as it is.

‘The deeper the sorrow, the greater the joy’

William Blake

Everything living is imbued with the touch of the sacred *. Without that touch, each form is simply inert matter. This is most evident if we perceive a body soon after death. It can be self-evident that the living spark that animated that body whilst alive has gone… leaving an empty shell which would in time simply and naturally decompose back into its constitutional elements.

The sacred plays into our life in multifarious ways, from the touch of a loved one, the fragrance of a flower, the taste of fresh fruit, the sound of birdsong and the vision of the sunrise and so many other daily occurrences. Yet we are so often conditioned to focus in a more limited way on our day to day responsibilities, problems, issues and so forth, hence losing sight of the sacred playing into each moment.  It feels beyond a thick veil and we only dimly sense it before getting caught up again in the ‘stuff’ of daily living. It generally takes the aspiration, willingness and intent to practice yoga, or alternative modalities, to begin to pierce through this veil and feel renewed through a reconnection with the sacred.

Life is a dance; transient names and forms being imbued by the touch of the sacred on the stage of life. The mystical path – whether we approach it via esoteric religion, via paganism, via yoga, or via meditation – is essentially a path toward awakening a conscious appreciation of, and indeed a communion with, the sacred in and through the experiences of embodied life. Life becomes a seeking, a surrendering and a reaching out for the sacred, drinking deeply from its life giving waters and asking it to guide us through life and into death.

* Or, if you prefer, the touch of ‘Life’, ‘Consciousness’, ‘Divinity’… use whichever word you wish; they are simply fingers pointing back to the same essence.