Grief Circles - a sharing of our Humanity
Grief is the other side of Love. Whatever we love, we will lose, at some point or another. One of the greatest fulfilments we can experience in life is to love and be loved. Yet love for anything manifest, inevitably brings loss and we are often poorly educated to know how to be with this loss. We often see grief as a weakness, and try to bury it, or endeavour to fix it, and somehow move on from it as soon as possible. Furthermore, we often feel that our grief is personal, which on one level it is, yet grief is also collective. We are all touched by grief; it is a common human experience for each one of us. Grief is not only for the loss of those we love, huge as this can be, but it can also include grief for our planet, for the suffering we see in our world, for our unresolved wounds, and the things we hoped for but remain unfulfilled.
Yet we also don’t realise the healing gifts of grief. It is a natural response to the love we’ve experienced, and the sharp edge of grief can further soften our heart and open us to a deeper experience of our shared humanity which incorporates both the light and the shadow, our strengths, and our vulnerabilities. Grief conveys a message for us:
You don’t move on after loss, but you must move with. You must shake hands with grief, welcome her in, for she lives with you now. Pull her a chair at the table and offer her comfort. She is not the monster you first thought her to be. She is love. And she will walk with you now, stay with you now, peacefully. If you let her. And on the days when your anger is high, remember why she came, remember who she represents. Remember. Grief came to you my friend because love came first.
Donna Ashworth, ‘You Don’t Move on’
Grief circles are very unusual in our society, as grief is so rarely welcome in our culture. Yet a grief circle is designed to enable us to face our grief, to fully welcome and learn from it, and thereby be open to its gifts. Such circles can range from 2 hours in duration to half a day, a full day or perhaps even a weekend. They encourage people to show up, say ‘yes’ to their grief, sadness, or loss, and find a depth of sharing with others that acknowledges and honours our shared humanity.
Courage is often needed to step through the door, especially if we don’t know anyone who is attending. It can feel easier to stay safe, to not ‘show up’ and carry on ‘as normal’. Fair enough on one level, but for how long? The more we bury our grief, the more we block our vitality and joy. At a certain point, something in us calls for release, for freedom. A grief circle then provides a refuge of shared support and belonging, a place where people can feel welcomed just as they are, unfiltered.
I have been called to this work through initially my training as a death doula with Alexandra Derwen in North Wales. This led to facilitating grief sessions on the Facing Death Embracing Life 10-day retreat at Mandala Yoga Ashram, and subsequently training under the guidance of Francis Weller, a pioneer and inspiration in grief work. For the grief circles in Brecon, I have been joined by Heather Dickens, who is a living inspiration in how she has come to terms with her own grief, and now stands as a heartfelt beacon of support for others.
Our first grief circle, over 2 hours, was in early December 2023 when Heather and I welcomed two people to the circle. Our second grief circle in late January 2024 we welcomed 3 people. Small but meaningful beginnings. Both circles highlighted the depth and quality of sharing when we can honestly open to our own grief, within the safe container of the circle, through simple practices and rituals.
After initial ground rules such as confidentiality, the content of a grief circle will include a warm welcome, the ambience of music, poetry, group sharing, writing practices, other such simple rituals, and most essentially a cup of tea and Heather’s delicious home-made biscuits! The writing practice asks us to take a prompt, such as for example ‘I remember’ or ‘I will not pretend’, and then let the pen move across the paper without stopping for around 10 minutes, allowing a free expression of whatever arises within us from the initial prompt. It encourages us to let go of control and allow our feelings/ memories to arise as they will. Following this people will be invited to read out what they have written so that others in the circle can simply witness it, without any discussion, feedback or attempts to fix or help. This sharing of personal feelings and emotions, within the mutual support of the circle, is poignant, meaningful, and healing.
To give an example of what flowed from such a writing practice, which is slightly abridged and offered to this article by one of the recent participants:
I will not pretend I am ok with something I am not. I will not pretend that I’m sad when I’m angry. I will not pretend I am happy when I’m not. I have pretended for far too long, no longer. I will not pretend that I want what you want just to please you. I am entitled to be me, to express my needs, to be fully me. I will not pretend I am not good enough as I am. I am opening my heart to love and grief, to pain and anger, and to fear. I will not pretend that I am afraid. When I want to run away, where do I run to? I don’t even know what I am running from. I feel grateful, held and honoured.
This is one person’s expression, and for many people, it can feel liberating to be able to express their deeper feelings, vulnerabilities, and aspirations without the need to filter, or defend or be concerned about what others may think. The more we can allow our grief to move and express, the more it opens space for gratitude, appreciation, and even love.
The Brecon grief circles are a new venture, created to meet what feels like an ever-growing need within our society to acknowledge and honour the grief we all carry in one form or another. You are very welcome to come along and try it for yourself. The grief circles are held at the St John’s Wellbeing Centre adjacent to Brecon Cathedral carpark, and the next circle will be on Wednesday March 13th, 6.30-8.30pm.
Finally, may you remember:
People come to grief circles not to have their wounds fixed, but to have their wounds blessed.
attributed to James Hillman
